Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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