Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Who wears a wallet chain?!
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
