We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
