Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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