Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
