I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
as a side note pls kill me
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Randomize
