you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
