I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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