dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
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