Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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