Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
