Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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