Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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