and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
i've created a new STD.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
