dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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