Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
