This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
it's like iHOP with fire
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
