I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Randomize
