She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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