bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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