hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
