i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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