Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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