I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Dicks are not precious.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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