I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
