Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
