the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Come see our sink grown plant.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
