I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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