My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
