Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
We were destined to go to rehab together
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
