well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
