they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
