Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Randomize
