franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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