he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
