The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
