Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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