Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
