Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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