Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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