My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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