I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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