You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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