oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
