remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
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