She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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