Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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