why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
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