how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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