So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
