She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Can you bring me the toilet please
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
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